I Feel Broken - My Thoughts While Depressed

       I find myself sitting here dazed in a trance of thought. My mind wanders all over the place, and I am just trying to find a sturdy ground to fall upon. But my mind right now is not a sturdy place. It is up and down and shifting as we speak. I went through a lot this week. Surely there are people out there who has went through more, but I can only speak for my truth. One of my cats has passed away, Hershey was her name. For some they may say well it's just a cat. But to me she felt like my best friend and like family. I had logged down some of the process on my Instagram, and if you follow me on there you may already know. (AstralMelody) But she started to not feel too good sometime last week, actually it was Friday. If she didn't feel good before then, I didn't notice. But the whole month she had sort of been distancing herself. I assumed it was because we have a younger cat who is just about one year old who was not fixed at the time. So I assumed she was distancing herself because of him. What really got me to know for sure that something was wrong was when she was laying there and her I clearly told me that something is wrong. She was experiencing some sort of pain. It was at that moment where I did no psychic readings for the day. I put everything off. I did not do anything but sit there and monitor her all day. At that point she was still moving around and she still has energy. She even drank a little bit of water in eight. However, over the weekend she progressively got worse. It was Sunday night just about 11 pm when she went. I will spare the details, partially because I don't feel I can actually speak them right now.

         My heart fell into a million pieces when that happened. I had promised her over the course of the weekend that I would be strong no matter what happened. But when that moment hit I was not able to be strong. Part of me felt like I let her down because I was not able to be strong for her. I broke down in tears. They streamed from my face like a waterfall. My heart felt like it was in my stomach. My mind felt like it was exploded. I could not hear the spirit Realms at that time. And I am somebody who communicate with the spirit Realms on a daily basis. I was almost completely cut off from any spiritual abilities that I had at that moment due to the grief. On Monday I had to take our youngest cat, the one that is 1 years old, to the vet. It was something that had been scheduled all month. He was supposed to go and get fixed. Well he did and he has done wonderfully. He's already healing. But I had told myself over the course of the weekend at either Monday or Tuesday I was going to bring her she to the vet to see what they say. I didn't get a chance to, I guess it was her time. 

My Princess Hershey

         I know it was something that happened for a reason. There was a lot of synchronistic events surrounding her death. Months before my mother would keep on calling her by the name of one of her siblings who had already passed, his name is midnight. well that already started to give me a little bit of cues that something was afoot. But I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to read too much into it. It could have been a coincidence. But then on Friday when I was very certain that she did not feel good I called the animal hospital of the road for me and they were closed until Monday. over the course of the weekend, specifically sometime during Sunday, I had a deja Vu moment. This deja Vu moment was something that I had remembered dreaming about before. But I did not remember the dream until the moment actually happened. This moment specifically was just a few moments before her death. just for the simple fact that that deja Vu moment happened it made it worse. I wish I would have remembered it before. But I did it, and I can't blame anyone for it. Part of me wanted to blame my Spirit guides for not warning me. Part of me wanted to curse the gods for not giving me a proper heads up. Part of me just wants to not communicate with Spirit Realms ever again, and to give up on everything. But I can't do that because I have promised her she that I would stay strong. I had promised her that I would continue to be positive and not let this affect me in a terrible way. 

         Today is Wednesday and I and sitting outside trying to finish some work, but I had to get this off my chest. I still I have moments when I feel the overwhelming grief. Mainly this is certain areas of the home where she frequented, and if I go to that area I will remember the memories and it is still painful. But also during that time I feel her near me. This is very comforting, because I can also hear her voice. I know that she was not just a regular animal. I know that she was a being that I call a Galactic. She was a very special soul. I believe she was sent here to assist me and my husband with our spiritual journey, and for whatever reason she was needed somewhere else. I have not talked to her a whole lot yet, but I intend to. I want to know as much about her as possible. So I am going to channel her and get as much information as she is willing to give. But so far I do know that her soul is something much more. She is a member of my soul team. I have known her countless years before this current incarnation of mine. I'm certain her soul, her ascended self, is a part of a feline alien race. This is going to sound preposterous to a lot of people who do not believe such things. But as I said earlier I can only speak my own truth. She has given me certain signs, and I am happy to be spiritually open enough to understand those signs. I might update more the more information I get.

         Update to Friday... yesterday I went to go to the store and sure enough wouldn't you know... I had a flat tire. Thankfully it happened here and not while I was out. So that is a positive side. But it's just things like that lately that have me feeling depressed. Yes I have to admit it. I am depressed, and I have been for a while. I cannot hide it. I shouldn't hide it, because it will not get healed. Pretending I feel good won't actually make me feel good. I must address the issues that bring me down, and they are internal. My life could be much worse, and in many ways I have much to be grateful for. Having depression seems like a slap in the face to the positive things in my life that are urging for my attentions while I focus on the negative. I procrastinate. I lack inspiration. I am unmotivated. I am depressed. And I realize that this is okay to admit. It is healthy to admit, especially if I want to heal those things. Healing something hidden doesn't really work. I must look in the mirror past the mask. Beyond the smile. Through the filter into the real me deeper down. So that I can give her attention and make her shine brightly. That's what I intend to do, and I wanted to voice my thoughts, because life isn't all fucking roses in a beautiful garden. It's shitty, hard, and there will be moments when it feels you're being broken down. Those are moments when you must humble yourself, and look within. Be real with yourself so that you can heal.

          I want to heal. I need to heal. I will heal. Speaking of healing, I was talking with my friend Kasey. I've known her since childhood, and I honor her friendship. I love her deeply. I was real with her last night. I exposed myself emotionally, and told her I am not okay. I told her I was depressed and laid it all out. She expressed her thoughts lately too, and I felt we really had a good bond during those moments. Her and I have been through a lot together, and knowing I have a female friend to talk to is good. Yeah I have my husband, and he's a good listener... but there's nothing like having a female friend to bond with. She wrote a poem who I feel she knew would cheer me up. She's very intuitive... more then she knows. 

You are a star in the far distance, 

A beacon of hope.

You share a dream with the world 

That tomorrow is a better day then the last.

A star that enlightens us 

And reminds us to let go of the past.

You are the Melody that carries us throw. 

Your soothing rhythm keeps us ground.

And by your blues we are forever emotionally bound. 

So when you are sad 

Just remember 

Your Melody is what keeps us dancing 

Like a star in the distant sky.

So don't cry.

Poem Written By Kasey McPhail June 23, 2019

        That poem is where I am going to leave things. If you've been struggling with depression or anything in your life lately... leave a comment below. Share your thoughts. Maybe it will help someone who comes across this blog post in the future. If you're that person who has come across this blog post. There is hope. 

Cosmic Blessings